There is a very specific type of frustration in an argument. You don’t know how to respond, not because you don’t know what went wrong, but because you know exactly what and how many things went wrong. Then, the inner swirl, conflicts, and surreal feeling of being… Am I really there? Where am I? To argue, or not to argue, that is the question.
I would scream in my head—how can you understand the argument well enough and still fail? This alone feels like another fallacy to me. And the honorable mention of what I captured in the other person’s words: false equivalences, circular logic, or statements that don’t follow from the premises…
The failures are so numerous or so foundational. If I choose to engage with any single point, then I need to first establish a shared understanding that simply doesn’t exist. If that exists, we wouldn’t be in that situation. Or, I would have to explain the basics, then circle back to the topic. And that process would itself be rejected, misunderstood, or disrupted.
And that is another layer of frustration.
Will You Proceed, Then?
At some point in this dynamic, an evaluation surfaced that overrides the urge to prove yourself right. There is no need for external validation—at least, not from that person, unfortunately (they probably need yours more than you do them). “Just stop talking”, you say to yourself. Then, you question their intention, whether the problem is a miscommunication or a disposition, and the meaning of your existence in the universe.
Eventually, what ends the conversation (and the internal struggle) is recognizing that no exchange will lead to a meaningful outcome. Main questions to ask should be: what do I need from this? Would my action lead to that destination? What would happen if I don’t get what I need?
Those questions give mental clarity, so you see that the apparent intellectual incompatibility can not be resolved by how you approach the conversation. And in the midst of this inner conflict, you might even notice a small, triumphant smile on their face because they believe they’ve silenced you.
To me, that is the end.
Final Note
Declining to argue is not conceding. It is, sometimes, the exact opposite. What is the argument worth? Your time, energy, and mental clarity are all values that this particular type of exchange will not return.
*What is Daily Insight? An ongoing series of quick, bite-sized brain snacks. Every week, there are three research-based factual reports and three research-informed reflective notes.
