There is a specific kind of exhaustion that comes from chasing approval. We have heard that “fitting in” is a social survival tactic, which is not wrong by itself. But when the acceptance only happens when there is a curated version, the chant from the crowd sounds like a farewell to your identity.
“The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself.”
-– Rita Mae Brown
The Performance Trap
I remember there was a time when people around me confused maturity with sophistication. The social tactics and transactions are mature. Rebellion represents naiveness.
Being trapped in that mental cage, to me, “rebellion” was almost the equivalent of “freedom.” But soon I realized there was no real freedom when your identity relies entirely on opposition to a norm. If the social standard says “Go Right,” and you instinctively “Go Left” to prove a point, the standard is still the one holding the compass. Painfully, both the conformist and the rebel are performing; one is chasing perceived “like” while the other is chasing “being special”. None of them is authentic.
And it took me years to understand that other people’s likes and approval you think you are chasing are just your own perception. They just focus on their own ice scream and share it on social media, not on your need to taste it.
The Balance
Autonomy never co-exists with the constant need for “performance”, for proving a point, for convincing others–and mostly, to ourselves, that what we are fighting for is worth the time. This is not freedom. This is another invisible cage that we are not even fully aware of.
We need that transition from reacting to living. And the ability to follow a social norm because it serves you, or to break it because it hinders you, not because of the performance, with no real audience.
Don’t worry about approval or being special. We need the relief of no longer needing to look at yourself through a conditioned filter. When you stop performing for a mask that you are simply comfortable with your existence.
*What is Daily Insight? An ongoing series of quick, bite-sized brain snacks. Every week, there are three research-based factual reports and three research-informed reflective notes.
