Recently, I have been lurking online, and I can’t believe that I need to address this. There’s a common misconception that abusers only target people with empathy, leading some to frame empathy as the reason emotional abuse happens to certain people. First, stop shaming the victims! Second, to survivors: you are beautifully empathetic souls. Don’t let anyone take that from you. Your empathy is never the problem; abusers are. So are their enablers, victim-blamers, and biased witnesses.
Is Empathy a Trait or a Skill?
Empathy can be both a skill and a trait, but there is a difference. You might have first encountered it as a social skill in an Emotional Intelligence 101 course. But if you feel pressured to practice, develop, and perform empathy for the sake of a promotion or transactional networking, your understanding of empathy may be fundamentally wrong.
Put simply, true empathy is the ability to “put yourself in someone else’s shoes” without judgment or projection. It’s far more than a performative “Oh, I feel bad for you,” or “I understand, but have you considered what you might have done to contribute to it?”
At the same time, empathy is also a trait, a structural baseline of kindness, a form of intelligence. Some people naturally care about others’ feelings and extend good faith without calculating whether it’s been earned. Those who can understand others’ pain even when they’re not experiencing it themselves possess a real quality. And like most genuine qualities, people who lack it often dismiss that trait as a weakness.
Empathy and Self-Interest Synergy
In psychology, empathy is often linked to prosocial behavior, stronger relationships, and greater moral sensitivity. But it is not incompatible with self-interest. Putting yourself first, setting firm boundaries, making strategic decisions, and protecting your own time and resources are all valid. None of these requires you to become less attuned to others; they simply require you to include yourself in the circle of people you extend care to.
Empathy without self-advocacy is actually incomplete. And the solution is to add self-advocacy, not to dismantle empathy.
Don’t Let Them Take It Away
For survivors, I see you.
Every time someone talks about abusers, they say, “They go for people with empathy.” Then others twist that into: be less empathetic so you can avoid abuse in the first place.
No. That’s just a more polished form of victim-blaming. Underneath it, they still believe you are the problem. Their solution to a situation that was never your fault is for you to change yourself.
Internalize this instead: your empathy was never the problem. It is a precious trait that reflects their own deficiency. Don’t let abusers and victim-shamers strip away your basic human decency, something that they don’t have. They don’t deserve that much power over who you become or who you already are.
*What is Daily Insight? An ongoing series of quick, bite-sized brain snacks. Every week, there are three research-based factual reports and three research-informed reflective notes.
