Yes, I am one of the “some people”.
In my defense, it depends on how urgent the message is. If your house is not on fire, your credit card is not declined at the pharmacy for a prescription (that you have to take that day), or you are not in the ER, please do not reach out to me and expect an immediate response.
I can speak for many people: yes, we may not see it; we have a life without a phone. And also, yes, we may be on our phones and still leave you on “read”. Both have happened, and I get complained about a lot. Before you question the authenticity of our connection or curse the existence of humanity to the universe, I can explain it.
Note that this brief analysis focuses on personal, non-emergency scenarios between at-least-acquaintances. If you are not even close to someone (to them, not to what you are hoping for) and still ask this question… I can tell you that I, or anyone you ask this question for, probably just need some time to care.
Your loved one has social anxiety
Many people think social anxiety is someone hiding in the bathroom at a party or having a sweat palm when shaking hands. First off, it is cute that you think we would go to a party in the first place.
Joke aside, real social anxiety is multifaceted, with many different manifestations. Some people might not fit the stereotypical image or look exactly the opposite. In some cases, people with severe social anxiety can even perform very well in public-facing roles. Many musicians (performers), for example, “shine like a diamond” on stage while recharging themselves with a quiet lifestyle and a private studio.
Even people who actively and regularly socialize might also have social anxiety. Some have been programmed to believe an active social life signals success. Others take a pragmatic view and reap the transactional benefits of a network. Or some people genuinely need attention and external feedback to stabilize self-worth.
Procrastination
Sometimes, we don’t want to give you a reply promptly because the topics are complicated. Or it is simple but ambiguous. To a socially anxious brain, we see not only your text but a series of incoming micro-demands and implicit expectations for a “right” response in an appropriate tone. Not to mention the potential follow-up interaction. The fear from this forward-thinking compounds quickly and eats us alive. After calling god many times in a split second, our animal instincts activated: just playing dead first.
After that, the more we want to get back to you, the more anxious we feel, and the more time and space we need. We are also torn between giving a quick response to close the file or leaving the file open to foreseeably get stuck in the loop longer. And this hesitation itself adds a new, shining layer of anxiety.
In some cases, the person you reach out to might have past trauma that is triggered by your text.
Behaviors backfire
Frankly, if someone is too controlling, needy, codependent, manipulative, or obsessed, I will constantly leave them on read. Maybe they should take the hint and move on?
And if you are reading till the end because of a one-sided love interest, don’t gaslight yourself. This is not a form of hard-to-get.
What is Brief? An ongoing series of quick, bite-sized brain snacks. Alternating weekly, there are three evidence-based factual reports or three research-informed reflective notes across three topical pillars.
