We all have judged and been judged. Yet the common assumption is that when someone judges you, they’ve thought carefully about who you are. That the criticism reflects an honest assessment, or at least, a genuine attempt at understanding. But sadly, it rarely does. (Related: Honesty Doesn’t Make Your Judgement a Fact)
The Psychology of Judgment
Semantically, judging someone is a neutral cognitive behavior. We all make judgments with bias, even the most well-trained therapists come with some kind of bias. That is just humanity. But in social psychology, harsh critics tend to have lower self-acceptance. That means harsh judgment flows outward because it’s unbearable to keep it directed inward. Attribution theory explains that people interpret others’ behavior through the filter of their own emotional state. That said, someone carrying unprocessed shame may shame others most harshly; someone consumed by envy seizes every opportunity to treat others’ mistakes as a fundamental flaw.
What makes it feel difficult is actually the feeling of being judged, not understood. The human nature of seeking connection seems to backfire, hurting and confusing. That is the reason why it can sting even when you understand “it’s just about them” on paper—we need validation too.
Yet, the meaning you assign to it doesn’t have to be. Feeling assessed and actually being assessed are not the same thing.
Are Their Judgements Conscious?
While the cognitive process is perfectly conscious, most of the mechanisms, such as projection, remain unconscious. The person criticizing you probably isn’t thinking, I feel inadequate, so I’ll diminish someone else. It just happens. A lot faster than their self-awareness or reflection (if they do possess those abilities). Consciously, they may actually think they make sense, but emotionally, they are almost certainly not feeling good about the very points they make.
In fact, they judge you because they want to be cared for, not because they care. Most of the time, they might not even think about you or be interested in understanding who you are to make a better judgment. They are just expressing their own pain, insecurities, jealousy, or unresolved issues, using you as a proxy. Their need to be right, to be heard, to be superior, is reflexive, automatic overcompensation for their own issues. Those are far from being objective assessments of you.
Therefore, stop asking what people say about me; internalizing the question of what this person is carrying that they can’t put down?
*What is Daily Insight? An ongoing series of quick, bite-sized brain snacks. Every week, there are three research-based factual reports and three research-informed reflective notes.
