Have you noticed a trend that roasting between friends is romanticized as a measure of closeness? Or, in some cases, even as a sign of true friendship? In popular culture, if you can mock someone to their face and still be friends, you have a real bond. And people might say, “Aw, you are busting each other; it means you have a true friendship.”
However, do you really agree with it?
The real measure of “friendship”
I don’t agree with using it as a truth or as a measure of truth.
Roasting each other, whether publicly or privately, must be evaluated case by case. If the notion implies that “true” friendship allows adults to regress to toddlerhood and attack one another without boundaries or accountability, that points to a deeper psychological issue, not friendship. Another common defense of this dynamic is that true friendship prefers candid “front-stabbing” over fake-smiling backstabbing, embellishing overt cruelty as unfiltered authenticity. But this entire logic rests on the cynical premise that humans are inherently hostile and always ready to attack.
Among adults, consent, mutual respect, and compatibility are the real measures. Compatibility means shared values, similar intelligence levels, and communication styles. If you don’t enjoy that back-and-forth, and someone uses it to excuse their behavior or keep you in a circle, you don’t have to tolerate it.
That said, respecting others’ emotional boundaries, supporting each other’s growth, and feeling safe to share are non-negotiables in a true “friendship.” Light banter is fine, but it is neither the foundation nor the main measure of emotional closeness.
For example, some people love semantic nitpicking. You might expect them to focus on the topic or context like normal people, but their communication style is vastly different, or they simply want control. Even if they genuinely believe they’re connecting with you, tactics like that often point to underlying issues. If they make you uncomfortable, no one should gaslight you into thinking it is “a sign of true friendship.”
What kind of “true friendship” doesn’t respect you the way you need? Or someone who takes every chance to make you feel bad about yourself? Or someone who drains your energy, disorients you, or invalidates you?
Closeness or cruelty?
It gets worse when roasting becomes the default setting in a social group. In psychology, group behavior relies on maintaining a shared perspective and harmony, not the truth. They can collectively rewrite the narrative, convincing the hurt one that their valid emotional boundary is invalid. In this situation, the line between harmless teasing and emotional abuse blurs easily and quickly. Remember the famous Five Monkeys Experiment? It is a classic scientific study conducted by researcher G.R. Stephenson at the University of Wisconsin–Madison. The official findings were published in 1967 under the title Cultural Acquisition of a Specific Learned Response Among Rhesus Monkeys.
Human group behavior is not that different from monkeys. Lighthearted banter is common and can escalate into attacks on insecurities, disguised as “just joking.” Then they collectively gaslight the targeted friend, making their discomfort or hurt seem like an overreaction. Finally, they gather to cruelly blame the victim for being “too sensitive” or “unable to take a joke,” further enabling the abusers.
Does it sound familiar? You can find those examples in almost any educational material on emotional abuse. (Related: Why Are People Trapped in a Dysfunctional Social Circle?)
Final Thought
Don’t believe every post that says “study shows.” A study can have methodological or statistical flaws, a conflict of interest, or be exaggerated or cherry-picked. Even a flawless study includes nuance and context, limitations, and suggestions for future research.
Trust your own feelings and prioritize your well-being over popular culture.
*What is Brief? What is Brief? An ongoing series of quick, bite-sized brain snacks. Alternating weekly, there are three evidence-based empirical facts or three research-informed reflective notes across three topical pillars.
*Disclaimer: This content is for informational purposes only and is not intended to give advice. If you are in crisis, please seek professional help. Always prioritize your well-being.*
