Have you met some people who confuse good humanity for weakness, gullibility, or even stupidity? We may feel frustrated, hurt, and more confused than they are; all of which is valid. In psychology, this reflects a particular mindset.
It is “too good to be true”
Intuitively, they aren’t used to being treated nicely, which aligns with a core principle of attachment theory. In psychology, adults who grew up in unpredictable or overly critical environments tend to develop a hypervigilant defense mechanism. To them, kindness feels unfamiliar, and unfamiliarity feels unsafe.
Someone with this background, especially, can’t process your empathy. Because they have almost never experienced unconditional, baseline benevolence, they assume a hidden agenda. And they focus on looking for it, rather than connecting with you. Reframing your kindness as “gullibility” lets them protect themselves: If they decide you are just “naive,” they don’t have to let their guard down, so they don’t risk being let down later.
Deep down, they do not think they deserve it.
Control means power
Many of them actually believe that emotional control equals power. They confuse kindness with gullibility and non-confrontational behavior with an inability to defend oneself. Empathy and compassion require emotional regulation, patience, and intelligence, which are never taught to them.
They may develop this view on their own or be reinforced by their environment. If you look closely, their entire social circle might share this mentality. Therefore, when you show no hostility or aggression, they do not understand that choosing kindness takes a lot more discipline than reacting with anger. Consequently, they mistake self-control for a lack of sophistication and conclude that an empathetic person is easily manipulated.
Understanding this can bring you peace. While their manipulative behavior can be annoying, it is never your fault. Most likely, your empathy pushes them to face a way of relating to the world that they are not yet equipped to understand.
*What is Brief? An ongoing series of quick, bite-sized brain snacks. Alternating weekly, there are three evidence-based empirical facts or three research-informed reflective notes across three topical pillars.
*Disclaimer: This content is for informational purposes only and is not intended to give advice. If you are in crisis, please seek professional help. Always prioritize your well-being.*
