Over the years, I have heard many ridiculous excuses—some from abusers, others from their recruits, and still others from biased witnesses. To protect myself (and my readers) from these absurdities, I am sharing this very clear message for fellow survivors: as adults, there is no justification for deliberately hurting others for personal gain. Abuse, manipulation, no matter how “unconscious”, there is no way to avoid accountability.
Is Manipulation Conscious or Unconscious?
Manipulation, narcissistic or otherwise, is often described as unconscious. In part, that’s accurate. The defense mechanisms, the distorted self-image, the inability to tolerate certain truths about oneself… These really operate below conscious awareness. Abusers don’t always lie to themselves on purpose.
But that’s only one layer of what’s happening. Look at abusers’ typical routine: testing how far they can push, observing others’ reactions, interpreting the situation, distorting the facts to fit their narrative, and then adjusting their tactics accordingly. Every one of these steps requires deliberate decision-making and engages far more of the brain than just the limbic system. Most of the time, abusers are tracking, processing, and acting in real time. You can say they are impulsive, lack emotional regulation, or have no self‑awareness—but that’s not how cognition works. In reality, their behavior is fully, unmistakably conscious. They know their actions will have real consequences for their victims, and they choose to proceed anyway because emotional abuse is exactly what they want!
To be bluntly straightforward, some abusers just don’t know that what they are doing is abuse. Or, they are not able to associate their actions with the concept of abuse. Yet, in terms of behaviors themselves, those are not ignorance, unconscious mechanisms, or underlying trauma; those are choices they made at the moment that have no excuse to avoid accountability. (Related: The Problem with “Hurt People Hurt”; Don’t Worry! You Are Just Dealing with A Hyper-Concrete Thinker)
Failed Adults
Despite being unconscious, the mechanisms can be tackled and improved. If the abusers take a psych 101 class or follow some content on Instagram, “It’s unconscious” becomes a convenient shield. But that is just proving them to be the problem.
As an adult, refusing to do the work of self-awareness is itself a failure, not a neutral default. A common deflection shows up not only in abusers, but also in generally small‑minded people who refuse to grow: the belief that if other people aren’t being fully authentic either, then I’m not really the problem—I’m just the victim of a dishonest world. It sounds almost reasonable until you notice what it’s actually doing.
First, no one owes them the whole truth about their life. That level of neediness for control and power (and as an accusation?!) is impressively revealing. Second, functional relationships are built on mutual respect, fair exchange, or some kind of quid pro quo. If others detect their manipulation early, they have every right to protect themselves from it by withholding partial truth or key information. That doesn’t flip the story of who is the real problem. (Related: Leaving Small People Where They Are Is the Best Act)
*What is Daily Insight? An ongoing series of quick, bite-sized brain snacks. Every week, there are three research-based factual reports and three research-informed reflective notes.
*What is the Rebuilt Series? Like many adults coming from a dysfunctional family, having gone through an abusive early social group, and/or having survived SA and DV, I’ve heard too much unsolicited advice, judgment, and preaching when seeking support. So much more than understanding. Rather than reassurance, this series shares the vocabulary, strategies, and clarity that I’ve gained over time.
*Note: This series is for informational purposes only and is not intended to give advice. If you are in crisis, please reach out for professional help. Always prioritize your wellbeing.*
