I am aware that this is a heavy topic. As a trauma survivor from a dysfunctional family of origin, I witnessed my father’s alcoholism and went through painful withdrawal from addiction myself. I have now been sober and clean for five years, but I still remember all the judgment, shame, and harsh criticism. Looking back, people clearly noticed, but no one ever stepped in to help. And sadly, that is not even the worst part.
Why We Started It?
Addiction rarely begins as a reasonable choice. More often, it starts as an imperfect but immediate way to numb pain—the kind of pain buried so deeply and woven so naturally into your life that you might not even realize you’re carrying it. But the body knows when emotional pain has nowhere else to go. Substances then offer the relief we unconsciously seek.
Many people who begin using can’t recall a clearly formed intention. Deep down, we know that we “want to escape from my toxic family.” But the nervous system doesn’t distinguish between a healthy coping mechanism and a harmful one. It simply responds to whatever works as a temporary painkiller.
As well-established research has shown, dysfunctional, adverse childhood experiences correlate strongly with later substance use. Other main contributors include neglect, abuse, chronic stress, and trauma. The brain’s reward circuitry, stressed and dysregulated for years, becomes especially susceptible to anything that quiets things down.
But the truth is, unless you go straight to the most highly addictive drugs, you won’t tumble into a bottomless abyss the moment you pick up the bottle for the first time. What pulls you down is often the shame that comes afterward. The shame that tightens your bond with the substance, pushing you to use more and more just to numb the growing pain. And what’s rarely discussed is who, specifically, tends to do the shaming.
How It Gets Worse
Unfortunately, it’s often the same people who created the conditions in the first place. In my case, both my father’s addiction and my own were shaped by the same abusive woman I used to call my mother. Neglect, instability, narcissism, maliciousness, cruelty… The very person who was supposed to support, care for, and love us instead insulted, scolded, and branded us as weak, useless, or morally deficient.
In the end, what she found most intolerable wasn’t our pain or our addiction itself, but the fact that it was inconvenient to her and the needs she expected us to serve. She was never held accountable for the damage she caused, which pushed us to the bottle in the first place. Yet, she held the one who absorbed it in contempt for struggling.
Dysfunctional family systems tend to resist accountability and externalize blame. The member who developed the symptom, whether addiction, depression, or anxiety, is the identifiable problem, which conveniently redirects attention away from the systemic failures that contributed to it. The family stays intact at the cost of the scapegoat’s health.
Final Note
Recovery requires agency, patience, support, and the acceptance that it is a long-term effort with possible setbacks. Many addicts are stuck in the loop because the roots never get addressed: shaming from the very people who are the root cause. The people who should have provided safety, support, or love instead provided a deep wound and shamed their victims in the way they cope.
Thank you for reading this heavy note. I hope it helps to make you feel heard and seen. A positive wrap-up: Both my father and I have been sober for years since we escaped those dynamics and found our permanent home—a real home with someone capable of love, care, and connection. There are conflicts and hardships, of course, but we never go back to the bottle.
*What is Daily Insight? An ongoing series of quick, bite-sized brain snacks. Every week, there are three research-based factual reports and three research-informed reflective notes.
