If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, your adult life is probably about fixing the problems that were not created by you. At least in early adulthood. For many years, one of my core beliefs was “I was wrong.” And it felt so natural and correct that I didn’t even challenge it.
No, it’s not your problem. It never was.
The Damaged Foundation
An abusive childhood can be the real streak, insidious and excruciating: If your early caregivers were abusers or showed clear abusive traits, there may be a period in your life when you “choose” to surround yourself with abusers. Because that is the only dynamic you are familiar with. From friends and partners to colleagues and acquaintances, you might feel helpless, powerless, drained, and confused… yet it all feels painfully familiar. And because no one is there to tell you the truth, you start questioning your own reality, trying to adapt, and living with the ongoing pain of cognitive dissonance and inner critics with every move you make. You try to escape, but the internalized critics trap you in the loop. And your core beliefs shift to “I am wrong,” “I am stupid,” “I am unworthy,” even though you may have made significant achievements that those people could never achieve.
And that is the power of abuse. It erodes your mental health by turning you into your own enemy. You have to completely abandon yourself to survive and feel guilty for not playing by their rules.
If your dysfunctional family has narcissistic tendencies, it’s important to understand that narcissists often attract other narcissists or individuals with different forms of dysfunction, due to their shared distortions. So, if your mother is unmesheful, for instance, your father can be neglectful, and your uncle can be performative. There will also be the black sheep, the enabler, the peacemaker… But essentially, you would grow up in a bunch of entangled lies, each told from a different angle, yet culminating to create a chaotic, inconsistent, and capricious hellscape. Your nervous system was deregulated (never regulated). You live with constant anxiety, chronic resentment, and deep-seated confusion and self-abandonment. Anything but love and care.
As I read the other day:
“A child that’s being abused by its parent doesn’t stop loving its parents; it stops loving itself.”
— Shahida Arabi
The Mechanisms
Psychopathology is not my expertise, but I can speak from my lived experience. Abusers don’t communicate; they control. Everything you have learned in an emotional intelligence 101 course is not applicable here. If you try to communicate, there are blame-shifting, dismissal, deflection, gaslighting, insults, and in some cases, physical violence…
- “You know where your problems come from? Because we have been spoiling you too much growing up.”
- “When did I ever do/say that? You are making up stories again.”
- “Why didn’t you win that competition/award? Don’t make excuses; it must be your problem.”
Zero self-awareness, empathy, or accountability. Those are the exact words from my biological mother’s repertoire, performed every single time she had a chance. And that is who claimed to be spoiling me rotten growing up. So you see the irony. Even more devastating, people you had chosen to confide in because they felt familiar would say, “Oh, all parents do this; it’s just a generational thing. No big deal.” Or, “That’s unfortunate, but you see, my mom is a lot better than that.”
It was too hard for most of us to accept that our family, social circles, and some partners are “mentally unwell, or simply not good people. That clarity comes with the full development of the prefrontal cortex at around mid-twenties. Before that, if your entire childhood and adolescence were marked by unpredictable scolding and punishment, with no clear pattern, or if every small mistake was blamed on your character, you would most likely have believed that you were fundamentally flawed by the time you reached your twenties.
Especially what school and society taught you was that family should love you unconditionally, but in the meantime, your emotionally just-toddler parents took that “unconditional love” credit right after abusing you. Your still-developing nervous system, operating with insufficient information, desperately tried to make sense of the nonsense. Eventually, you internalized the idea that YOU were the problem.
The Insidious Ones
If you were in an abusive relationship of any type, and you turn to someone close to you. It is a very good opportunity to see if they truly deserve your time and trust. Sometimes, instead of supporting or even trying to understand, they judge:
- “You should just focus on yourself.”
- “You are just so in love with xyz, right? Or why do you care about him/her so much?”
- “How could you not see red flags? You are not dating for the first time, right?”
- “I don’t know what is wrong with them, but I suggest you not get yourself in trouble.”
Chills run down my spine as I write these words from “friends” I almost trusted. In that situation, those people may not overtly abuse you, but can end up harming you even more in subtle, insidious ways.
When you don’t have any healthy support (and never have), you are likely pulled back into the loop because there is no access to real help, and you are too confused and unfamiliar with what healthy, supportive interactions look like.
Eventually, you believe you are the problem.
Key Takeaways
I wish I could hug my younger self and say: They are never your friends; they only offer the bare minimum that you never got from your family because social norms dictate it. People who truly care for you will not be the pernicious culprits who damage your mental health. As painful and lonely as it is, you don’t have to give or seek anything from them anymore. It’s time to distance yourself, without guilt or shame.
From hindsight, my therapist at that time even implied that I should walk away. I cut them all off when they took advantage of my last bit of self-doubt with a hint of mockery.
Don’t expect normal human interaction from those who genuinely believe they are superior to others. To them, you are always cast as the wrong‑doing subordinate, as they only listen to what they want to, and promote their life path and opinions as the only ones worth living.
These are some words of wisdom that helped me a lot during that period of life.
- They will always blame you for their own problems.
- You cannot seek validation from people who cannot validate themselves.
- Vulnerability is not weakness.
- There was nothing fundamentally wrong with you in the first place.
*What is the Rebuilt series? Like many adults coming from a dysfunctional family, having gone through an abusive early social group, and/or surviving SA and DV, I’ve heard too much unsolicited advice, judgment, and preaching when seeking support. So much more than understanding. This series is meant to share the vocabulary, strategies, and clarity that I’ve gained over time.
*Note: This series is for informational purposes only and is not intended to give advice. If you are in crisis, please reach out for professional help. Always prioritize your wellbeing.*
