There’s a saying that circulates among therapists and survivors alike: psychiatric hospitals are full of victims, because the real patients are out in the world refusing treatment. It sounds like dark humor. It is not.
Narcissistic abuse, among many other forms of abuse more broadly, is essentially rooted in a mental disorder. It is difficult to clinically diagnose them because the disorder can resemble other conditions. And of course, narcissists would not consider themselves the problem or present with clear symptoms.
The disorders are often rooted in trauma, maltreatment, or abuse in childhood. But the understanding doesn’t justify their behaviors as adults. I believe they are consciously aware of their behaviors; otherwise, they will not remain silent, shift the blame, and disappear when we call them out publicly. But they lack the depth of understanding of the depth and consequences of their behaviors, and operate on a moment-by-moment, impulsive basis. Without coherent logic, they rewrite reality to support their narrative.
Therefore, when it comes to communication, we should never argue or even communicate with them. Forget about common sense; it doesn’t apply. As an abuse survivor, the hardest part is not actually the abuse itself. It’s years spent trying to make sense of something that was never designed to make sense, to make people who are committed to misunderstanding, to finally understand you.
Unlike a broken arm or a visible wound, the damage caused by abuse remains diffuse and cumulative over time.
The Double Bind Theory
In 1956, Psychologist and anthropologist Gregory Bateson introduced the Double Bind Theory in a landmark paper, Toward a Theory of Schizophrenia. When someone is repeatedly receiving contradictory messages, with no way to satisfy both sides and no way to exit the situation, something breaks down in how they process reality.
As distressing as it sounds, this is often how abusers work to eradicate someone’s sanity. You try to make sense to them, but they respond only to their own needs. That’s why they’re so confusing: no one can tell what they actually want at any given moment. And no one should be expected to prioritize their needs above their own.
If you try to argue, you will likely just become more confused and frustrated, and those unresolved tensions eventually ferment to erode your mental health. Don’t argue with them. Don’t expect anything fair, rational, or intelligent from someone who lacks a baseline sense of self. What they want is control, particularly the kind that keeps you off-balance and preoccupied with managing their emotional state instead of your own. If you look closely at their words and actions, you’ll see contradictions everywhere.
What Does It Look Like in Practice
Someone from my early social circle constantly shamed me for my relationship. When I held my ground and pushed back, demanding the person I dated to acknowledge what he’d done rather than letting him dodge it, she reframed the move as a form of desperation: “Don’t beg, don’t badger, don’t follow.” In her retelling, I wasn’t someone forcing a confrontation and accountability; I was someone throwing myself at a man, begging for attention.
Then, when I needed to watch how he moved before deciding my next step as a straightforward act of strategy, she pivoted: “No, you should focus on what you want, not what he wants.” Suddenly, I became the helpless woman who has no backbone or sense of self, waiting on a man to make the first move.
Yet, when someone else (particularly someone she wants to use) in our circle used that same wait-and-assess approach, she read it completely as composure, confidence, a kind of power and control, and unhurried superiority.
Those interpretations and perspective shifts are exactly what deflect your power. They shame you by reframing your dominance as desperate badgering and recasting you from a strategist into a pushover. And those people, whoever they are, inflict low-level confusion, shame, and deflection, both insidiously and chronically. That is where the real damage accumulates.
First: Stop Seeking Validation (or Even Just Saneity)
Everything can be interpreted through different lenses.
In the context of friendship, people can give unsolicited advice for many reasons (Related: What really happens when people give unsolicited advice). In the situation above, two patterns are clear. First, she doesn’t understand that her opinions and perspectives are not the verdict. Second, she can’t regulate her own insecurities, fear, shame, and anger, so she used me to process them.
However, in the context of communicating with abusers, those are what they use to seize control. People process information based on their intelligence level, knowledge, and experience. So, we listen to words, context, and nuances, while they remove the context, re-assign meaning, and weaponize them for their needs.
So you can now see how this scenario illustrates the importance of context. Under the first interpretation, you might believe that you’re still friends but simply incompatible in some ways. Through the second lens, however, you’re left feeling resentful and ashamed, because it frames your experience as having been in an abusive relationship and, somehow, powerless in front of them.
The real question is: how can you communicate with people who don’t read context or deliberately distort it, whose mind twisted, and whose intentions are malicious? You can’t. The first step in reclaiming your sanity is to recognize the pattern, disengage from it, and stop seeking validation or a sense of normalcy from them.
Second: Strategies that Helped Me
Genuine (and effective) communication requires shared reality, mutual respect, willingness, and a compatible level of intelligence. What abusers operate on is control: everything you say will be twisted against you, and everything they say will contradict itself to confuse you.
Therefore, try to psychologically detach from them first. Then, consider the following moves that have helped me:
Observe, and call out. When speaking with an abuser, focus on their behavior, not their literal words. For instance, if they lose an argument but latch onto a minor grammatical error to shame you and avoid the real issue, identify their manipulative move and articulate their intentions. Or if they give you silent treatment, “I don’t engage with you; you’re crazy.” You call the gaslighting and dismissiveness out and shift it back to them: “Of course you can’t engage, you know that you are wrong.” No one is more scared and panicked than an abuser being seen through and publicly called out.
Two questions to ask before reacting. First: what are the facts of this situation, stripped of anyone else’s interpretation? Second: what can this person offer on their own terms, independent of your (or anyone in their lives’) presence? Most of the time, when you closely examine what an abuser or chronic critic truly contributes to the world, you gain a clearer picture (you might even pity them). The rest of the time, you simply don’t know the people whose credit they’ve stolen.
Don’t engage again because you need closure. I feel you. The need for an apology or resolution is part of the brain’s built-in mechanism for making meaning and protecting you from future harm. But you have to decide, on your own terms, where the cutoff point is. After that, your lives are officially drifting apart. Try to separate your psychological needs from reality and stop expecting closure from that person, and be assertive with yourself. Then, the work is to process the unresolved issues independently, through therapy, writing, and honest conversations with someone you trust.
The Non-conclusion
Easier said than done, and the realization is painful. I hear you.
But when communication becomes impossible, the limelight should not be on you; shift it back to them. Examine them under the telescope, investigate and analyze, not engage.
Then you may realize that they are simply pretentious, single-minded, and emotionally immature individuals who never fully developed. Their underlying trauma and misery do not justify their chosen behaviors, and our understanding of their potential issues does not automatically mean forgiveness. Empathy and compassion should always go with clear, strong boundaries.
In my next article in this series, I am going to talk about the bigger exit strategies that I used at that time. Here, I need to point out the need for revenge: if you have the resources and plan, other people shouldn’t jump straight to judgment. Don’t listen to unsolicited advice; this is a personal choice! I did it for justice, too, but not before I had done my own inner work. And, unfortunately, it didn’t help me process my trauma because years later, I found that the deeper source has been my family of origin and my social group, not those abusive partners.
That is another story.
*What is the Rebuilt series? Like many adults coming from a dysfunctional family, having gone through an abusive early social group, and/or having survived SA and DV, I’ve heard too much unsolicited advice, judgment, and preaching when seeking support. So much more than understanding. Rather than reassurance, this series shares the vocabulary, strategies, and clarity that I’ve gained over time.
*Note: This series is for informational purposes only and is not intended to give advice. If you are in crisis, please reach out for professional help. Always prioritize your wellbeing.*
