Have you ever dealt with someone who’s so small-minded and limited that you don’t even believe what they did was real? You don’t argue because you have identified the problems and decided that they are unable to communicate. But as a human, you still have your own needs in social contexts.
Would you rather entangle with them? Or strategically walk away?
The Story
There was a time when I moved into a new place temporarily. My new roommate greeted me warmly. I felt self-conscious about my sweat and politely asked if she knew where I could buy deodorant or perfume. She couldn’t answer, so I shrugged it off. The conversation flowed naturally afterward; we actually had some common interests. I thought we’d had a good time.
Months later, I found out through a mutural connection that she had texted someone that night:
“That woman asked me where to buy perfume, putting on airs right after moving in.”
I didn’t confront her; everything went on as usual. I don’t judge based on a single interaction, but I kept a friendly distance and quietly started keeping score. It wasn’t that I cared about her clueless trash talk; it was her reasoning that made me curious and amused. I couldn’t imagine why such an ordinary question would bother a stranger so much.
She often asked for small favors that seemed mutually beneficial, like borrowing my membership card for a discount (so I could accumulate points as well). Sometimes, she borrowed clothes just to take pictures.
These things were so minor I barely remembered them; they were just baseline kindness. But in her version of the story, she was the master manipulator, and I was gullible and naive. Beyond that, she formed and spread her “opinions” about everyone in a triangulating way. She took advantage of people and then always circled back to backstab the very ones who had helped her.
Being naturally experimental, I let her be the manipulator and let myself be her prey in her own narrative, because I wanted to see how far it could go. I’m very selective about whose opinions of me I care about.
Once, she had a social gathering. Instead of borrowing my membership card like she always did, she went straight to the designer boutique. She wanted that paper bag with the logo, not the one from the department store. In that moment, I suddenly understood why she’d been so triggered the night she met me.
Would You Argue with a Toddler?
It is impossible to explain things to people who operate with a completely different capacity and scope.
She associated perfume with status and luxury. For me, it was part of a normal daily routine, and I was sweating (and honestly embarrassed by the smell). But the question wounded her fragile ego on several levels. Not only did she fail to answer a simple question, she also felt small.
So she weaponized judgment and shaming. In her narrative, I was “egoistic” because of how my request for something essential to me made her feel. A colleague who started a business and triggered her jealousy was “ethically wrong” for describing his hometown as the main city instead of the greater metropolitan area. Someone beautiful and accomplished (a sharp contrast to her), who responded indifferently to her friend requests, was “definitely a gold digger.”
To summarize, anyone who saw through her, who was no longer available, who invalidated her, or–most of all–who made her feel insecure and inferior, was fundamentally wrong.
I never confronted her; in fact, there was no way to argue with her without downgrading. Once, she somehow felt small and jealous after I shared a conversation with a male friend in another language and then translated it figuratively for her to soften the narrative. Her tone shifted, turning sour and sarcastic, as if she had finally caught me making an unforgivable mistake: “Oh, wow, how do you say that in the original language?”
She clearly doesn’t understand figurative translation, context, or the original language, so I did the translation myself to smooth the dialogue, to speak like a normal human. In return, she has no problem weaponizing her own ignorance.
Never argue with stupid people; they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
– Mark Twain
Similarly, would you argue with a toddler?
The Story – Continued
Over time, I watched her. She would save her lunch money to buy discounted designer accessories she could afford, or borrow them from anyone who owned them. She’d invite people to hang out so she could take pictures and present herself as successful at a professional event, even when she was just serving coffee there.
Then something finally hit the threshold.
I’d thought it was just about her watching TV for free because we were roommates. But then she upgraded her plan to the pro tier. She asked her boyfriend for help with her design portfolio, then dumped him after she’d gotten what she wanted. After that, her situationship helped her land an internship. Then, when she needed someone to help with her thesis, she turned to me.
It was hilarious seeing how different our standards were. She claimed she had me wrapped around her finger, yet I was only giving her the bare minimum. I never gave her access to my professional contacts, resources, skills, assets, or even my full truth: thoughts, ideas, or values.
So when she asked for help with her papers and resources, I told her I didn’t have any and that I didn’t know how to write. I don’t even feel bad about lying to her. Whatever her underlying mental health struggles, manipulation is a conscious choice, made through deliberate cognitive processes. If she chooses to manipulate others as an adult, she should not act offended when people respond with inauthenticity in return (Note: Are her manipulations conscious or unconscious? My thoughts are at the end.)
Those requests crossed my threshold. I could share my streaming service subscription for free; I watched that anyway when we were roommates. But I will not write someone’s thesis to help them get a degree they don’t deserve–especially someone like her, who would weaponize what she hasn’t earned to manipulate others into believing an image that isn’t really her at all.
However, whoever voluntarily chooses to help people like her, I don’t judge.
Kindness is a choice, not naivety. Qualities like empathy and compassion should always be balanced with clear boundaries.
Is It An Upgrade or the True Color?
Before I blocked her completely, I already had a clear picture of everything she had done.
As I mentioned, she reads my refusal to stoop to her level over small things as gullibility, which only prompted her to expose more of herself. In her mind, if she calls people trash only because they won’t help her or coincidentally make her feel inferior or insecure, but she only backstabs instead of confronting, then she should still be perceived as a good friend, a noble person who deserves everything good.
Merriam-Webster defines garbage as something discarded or useless. Uselessness can be subjective, but once you strip away her own filters, there’s an objectively empty core. From what I’ve seen, she shows no meaningful intelligence, talent, skill, competence, integrity, authenticity, education, physical beauty, family background, or material wealth. She lives by taking advantage of others, then projects her own flaws onto them so she can preserve the distorted image and feel entitled to criticize and preach to the very person she relies on.
Small people usually have little to offer, yet expect perfection in return and to be treated as superior.
In this particular person’s narrative, anyone who refuses an unfair trade or denies her a favor (and makes her feel small in the process) is “garbage.” Instead of voicing real grievances, she recasts others as fundamentally flawed and elevates her own opinions and needs as the absolute truth. She judges and shames anyone who has ever helped her (therefore, almost everyone in her life) and attacks anyone who doesn’t validate her. This stance gives her a sense of power, at least in her own mind.
She operates from a web of biases. But you can’t talk someone out of their biases when they cling to them as part of their identity and as the tool that sustains their illusion of superiority.
The Non-Conclusion: Is She an Abuser?
When I saw how desperate she was, how deeply insecure and inferior she must have felt, I couldn’t bring myself to call her out for constantly seeking friction and cheapening herself in ways that were, to me, unthinkable. What remained was a brief, haunting mix of speechlessness, sadness, and compassion.
After I moved away, I blocked her completely. Whatever happened back there, between her, her circle, and me, belongs to that place and time.
But, is she an abuser?
Yes and no. From my observation, she does display many narcissistic traits. However, narcissism is a personality disorder, a framework for understanding behavior, not a label to throw around lightly. In her case, some of her manipulative behaviors did cross into the territory of abuse, but they likely stem more from incompetence and small-mindedness than from full-blown narcissism.
She’s aware, on some level, of her deep-seated insecurities. Her ego is fragile, though not grandiose. When she’s exposed, she feels embarrassed, so she denies everything. Conversely, when she achieves something on her own, she boasts. When she steals someone else’s credit, she rebrands it as “social connections,” yet if she ever feels small, she rewrites the story so that those people “helped” her become the very trash she smeared. Yet, she can perform empathy–when she needs something, of course.
But whatever the underlying reasons, the larger point is that we don’t need to turn everyone into a psychological case study. More often, we need to set boundaries, keep track of patterns, and be clear about our bottom line. And when we see that there’s nothing left worth keeping, we detach and walk away.
Let them be who they are. Don’t exhaust yourself trying to fix people who have to learn their own lessons. Above all, don’t let people like her strip you of your baseline empathy, compassion, and kindness.
No one will try to drag you down if they’re truly standing above you.
*The Observer Series: Rather than being an actor in life, I’ve always preferred to be an observer. That’s what this series is about. These are real-life footage and its many actors, recorded and edited into stories with visual effects, soundtracks, and commentary tracks.
*Note: both characters and stories are composite.
*Additional Note: Some people argued that manipulations are unconscious. Mechanisms such as projection and reaction formation are usually unconscious. Yet, the cognitive process of deliberately calculating personal gain by exploiting others, and decision-making as an adult, are both conscious. Manipulative behaviors can stem from people’s own life experiences, but they don’t justify their informed choices to hurt someone else.
Additionally, self-awareness and accountability are basics in adult life. Therapy is a great tool for healing and personal growth, so people can learn healthier ways to cope, rather than manipulating others while telling themselves the story that they are programmed to do so.
That said, if some people don’t work on themselves, or don’t even try to, they play the victim and start smear campaigns when their manipulations fail. Their reasoning is clear: they can play people, but they become the victims when people do not respond with authenticity.
It’s a similar logic of theirs to expecting perfection from others while not having much to offer in return. On the surface, that can come across as naivety or a distorted self-image, but in some cases, it may signal deeper personal or psychological issues that would benefit from psychiatric treatment or other forms of professional help.
