Many people don’t understand how trauma survivors feel about the manipulation. They thought we were resentful because we were played, sad, ashamed, or disappointed, but there is something else very important: justice. It lies in truth, and the truth surfaces when we stop focusing on their manipulations, but see them as they are.
Indeed, abuse recovery is a very personal experience; everyone’s approach is different. And yes, anger is a shield for protecting us from feeling powerless, where the real work is unpacking the underlying emotions. But if you are so angry about abusers’ manipulation, your feelings are valid; no one should judge you for that.
Processing underlying emotions is also highly personal, and no one’s experience should be treated as the standard. If someone dismisses your feelings because your stories differ, they are not helping you. Always distinguish between facts, opinions, and one’s own needs before engaging.
Above all, this article discusses the perspectives I have developed through years of research-informed reflection and by observing patterns in others. It might not apply to everyone, but hopefully, it will help someone.
What Are We Actually Looking For?
For starters, when we fixate on understanding abusers’ manipulations, what we are seeking, more than general knowledge, meaning-making, or future reference, is accountability. The relational courtroom trial that finally sentences them to what they deserve. The responsibility they refuse to acknowledge. The clarity no one gave us: they are the villain, not us.
Sadly, abusers often have a community. If you have one abuser in your life, you need to examine the broader social group. In a dysfunctional social circle, justice is relative. According to social psychology, groups form around shared values and narratives, not necessarily around truth. When you tell the truth, you threaten the group’s sense of harmony and stability. As a result, even if you are the only sane person in the circle, the group may still collectively label you as insane.
So we end up relying on ourselves to find the truth. We fixate on social media, mental health content, self-help books, workshops, and textbooks (I even chose to return to graduate school in the social sciences). Yet sometimes, this only traps us more deeply in a loop of self‑doubt and box‑checking.
Abusers’ individual dispositions and circumstances vary; their behaviors differ, as do their mental health issues. I personally rarely label them as narcissists or psychopaths, socialpath (occasionally, for narrative purposes only). Narcissism is, in fact, extremely difficult to diagnose and includes many subtypes. If you’ve studied the DSM or other diagnostic manuals, you would know that its symptoms significantly overlap with those of other mental disorders.
Abuse, emotional or physical, on the other hand, is a behavior, a tangible fact. Why they abuse, what is their diagnosis (narcissism, psychopath, etc), what is their childhood trauma, is none of our business. Do not confuse yourself even more by trying to diagnose them! That way, you still tie your mental well-being to “figuring them out”. (In the next few posts, I’ll write specifically about why focusing on the “why” doesn’t help)
Are They Cheese-player Strategists?
Now, let’s shift the limelight. When we look at abusers, we often try to connect the dots to understand them from a broader perspective using coherent logic. So when we talk about manipulation, my mind immediately jumps to the image of a chess player, an evil genius, amoral masterminds pulling strings behind the scenes. a strategist who is capable of orchestrating a plan to keep you under their control.
No. We are evaluating them by our own cognitive abilities.
What they operate on is impulsivity: moving from moment to moment, responding only to their own needs, making absurd excuses for avoiding accountability. They steal credit from everyone else and project their own garbage onto the very people they depend on to survive. That’s why we spend copious amounts of time “figuring them out”. How could we possibly know what they need at any given time, or who they’re thinking about in those moments?
My family of origin and my social circle until my early 30s were full of manipulators, abusers, and people with those tendencies. That’s the pattern I’ve observed over 20 years. Sadly, the two mechanisms mentioned above are essentially all they can do with their lives. If you think they can achieve anything meaningful, you probably just don’t know the people they’re stealing from. This may sound both absurdly amusing and deeply pathetic, but it is very real. Nearly all the abusers I have met are obsessed with triangulation, constantly trying to create the illusion that we are the only problem and that everyone else treated them better, so their behavior toward us is justified.
No, they treat everyone just as trashy as they treat us.
What Is Strategic Thinking?
In psychology, strategic thinking is a high-level, complex cognitive process that draws on many different abilities: pattern recognition, systems thinking, analytical thinking, critical thinking, creative or lateral thinking, flexible thinking, and long-term vision. At the most fundamental level, though, everything rests on one central skill: the ability to think independently.
Do you think someone who lacks a sense of self, who doesn’t understand the context, who survives on external validation, and who constantly contradicts themselves can do that?
This is a rhetorical question: they cannot.
Stop gaslighting yourself. All of our feelings: the way we feel about them and the situation, the urge to make sense of their behavior, the resentment, the confusion… are not the truth. Every time we call them manipulators and ourselves victims, we accidentally make them seem more powerful and smarter than they actually are, which only deflects our own power even further.
“The way out of a trap is to study the trap itself, learn how it is built. You do this by taking the thing apart piece by piece. The trap can’t trap you if it has been taken to pieces. The result is freedom.”
Bhante Henepola Gunaratana, Mindfulness in Plain English
What Happens When We Call Them Manipulators?
In hindsight, when I think about every time I talked to an abuser in my life (which, for a period of time, was almost everyone close to me), something clear comes to light. Often, we would be in the middle of a conversation when, out of the blue, they would start shaming, judging, raging, criticizing me unnecessarily harshly, or shutting me down with something irrelevant that hits hard emotionally (or even physically, if you’re dealing with a caveman loser). What do you think is really happening in that moment?
They don’t understand it. That is what is happening. Many abusers I’ve spoken with are mediocre at best. They struggle to understand concepts, context, or nuance, so they partner with more capable people to steal their insight and bluff others. Therefore, when they know you are making sense, the following happens:
- .They are losing the superiority and perceived dominance, which makes them scared.
- They perceive your intelligence as a potential threat to see them through or becoming impossible to control.
- They feel they’re being played. They quickly re-evaluate you, and something doesn’t add up in their need-based logic.
- They are ready to steal, and they gaslight you to blind you to it.
As a result, they would rather be seen as manipulative than as stupid, because manipulation suggests a kind of intellectual superiority that puts you in a powerless position. For someone so desperate to hide their incompetence, that’s all they can hold onto. So they watch you closely, searching your expressions and body language for any hint of confusion (or more despicable, empathy), and they play along.
Look closely. Were they simply repeating your points from a different angle, twisting your words against you, or preaching their own synthesis of your insights back to you?
As pathetic as it sounds, that’s their final move, the limit of their capacity. If they failed at it, they had to watch their deliberately designed façade collapse around them.
Strategies That Helped Me (Shift Your Focus Back!)
The picture is clearer now: you are not dealing with some brilliant chess-player-level amoral strategists; You are dealing with losers. All the shame, judgment, criticism, and hurt are not a reflection of you, only their own internal turmoil. More specifically, what they really think, feel, and want to do to themselves.
Here is something very important to internalize: no matter who they are, family, friends, partners… your involvement with them is not a reflection of your worth! You are a beautiful, functioning individual who has an independent sense of self. They are the ones who exploit you, not the other way around.
Their tactics are useful information to know, the same as “staying hydrated is important,” but they shouldn’t be the story in our heads. Try looking at them rationally, and repeat after me again: our feelings are not the truth. We feel powerless because the trauma from their abuse shaped our perspectives, not because they are objectively worthier, stronger, or more capable than we are.
Shift the focus back to yourself. Rather than diagnosing someone and then constantly confirming and defending your opinion, try shifting that mental energy to self-exploration, healing, building a new, meaningful life, as well as stabilizing your own self-worth and sense of self. What are your unfulfilled needs? Why were you attracted to them in the first place? Those are not interrogation or judgment, but the self-knowledge (painful, I know) to rebuild after long exposure to manipulation. Also, something we are not addressing enough: If you want revenge or to protect yourself from future harm, the foundation lies within you, not in knowledge about them.
However, if you don’t feel safe to focus on yourself, understand that it is totally normal. I have been through it. It usually signals deeper wounds that stem from the family of origin. And the recovery may need longer, more resources, and feel more painful. But don’t rush it; it is not a competition. Give yourself the time, patience, care, support, empathy, and compassion that you have been giving to someone else.
The Non-Conclusion
Of course, it does not apply to every type of abuser. Sometimes, we need to put on both detective and experimenter hats.
Some of them are vengeful, retaliatory, and smearing you. But as we mentioned at the beginning, they aren’t able to put together a long-term plan from a bigger picture. As someone who lives for their image (so, someone else’s opinion), being seen through is eradicative. More likely, they will go away on their own, looking for their next hunt.
Therefore, don’t focus on how manipulative they are; focus on who they really are. Don’t think empathy, compassion, or human decency. We have given them enough, and they proved that they don’t deserve them anymore.
What is the Rebuilt Series? Like many adults coming from a dysfunctional family, having gone through an abusive early social group, and/or having survived SA and DV, I’ve heard too much unsolicited advice, judgment, and preaching when seeking support. So much more than understanding. Rather than reassurance, this series shares the vocabulary, strategies, and clarity that I’ve gained over time.
*Disclaimer: This series is for informational purposes only and is not intended to give advice. If you are in crisis, please reach out for professional help. Always prioritize your wellbeing.*
