Over the years, I’ve encountered countless people who secretly (or not so secretly) compete with others for no apparent reason. It doesn’t happen in a professional, high-stakes environment, but rather among acquaintances, fake friends in casual settings, or even random people on the street. Personally, I’ve gone through several phases in response: speechlessness; a wave of gut-level nausea; rolling my eyes to the sky in my mind; genuine irritation followed by direct, impatient pushback; and finally, a calm acceptance tinged with slight amusement, almost as if it were just another form of entertainment.
It’s just a really poorly made production. It keeps you in a state of perpetually laughing, walking away, calling the police, and throwing your hands up: “You win. Can I just finish my dinner and enjoy the time I have with my company? Because if this is what it takes to be sociable, I might as well accept that I don’t like people and want to die alone.” The emojis here would be a facepalm followed by bitter laughter…
But it’s free, accessible, frequent, and almost ubiquitous. I don’t remember when I started nodding along, providing the reaction they craved and sparking their competition in the first place.
“Sure. You are right.”
A Quick Story
I met her in Europe.
An Asian woman in her early thirties, who married right after college and settled with her British husband. Never experiencing pressure to climb the corporate ladder, navigate through a systematic hierarchy, or master entrepreneurship, her social media, however, was a carefully curated gallery, featuring helicopter rides, infinity pools, and fanciful dining out. When we met in person through a mutual friend, she was warm, enthusiastic, and eager to connect.
We talked about life, plans, and the future. The conversation felt easy, natural. She mentioned wanting to move to the United States someday. And I was excited to find someone synchronized, as I’d actually started the visa applications.
“Oh god, yes! Let’s go together!”
I had been expecting her to share my excitement. Yet, her mood shifted. There was a subtle change in her tone as she said, “Oh, so you’ve finished everything here?” Focusing on my perceived connection, I replied, “Oh no, I still have another year to go.”
Suddenly, her expression hardened, and she scolded harshly, “You haven’t even finished things here. What makes you think you can just go?”
Confused and petrified in that moment, I quickly picked up on the cue that she had been triggered somehow.
At least, the feeling of excitement and enthusiasm about a new life must be very unfamiliar to her. During that dinner, she started speaking more English. Or, when we watched a soccer game together, she offered authoritative opinions on plays after I had said something casual.
After these interactions, I offered whatever validation she needed to prove a point, to win the competition I didn’t even know we were having. And I watched performances that were driven by her perception of others’ perceptions.
Everything was in her head.
The Amusement: Two Different Perceptions
Clearly, two parallel perceptions were disrupting effective communication.
I wasn’t competing. I mentioned the relocation simply because it came up naturally in conversation, not to make statements about anyone else’s life or keep score. In most of the social gatherings, I had learned to be strategic because authenticity is rare, and fakeness attracts falseness. In a casual, home party like that, why wouldn’t I just be myself and enjoy the time?
Simultaneously, in her head, her life was being evaluated against mine in some competition I didn’t even know existed. My existence and my life path were somehow intimidating to her for the reason that was not logically aligned with her image.
If we pull back and look at everything as an outside observer, the picture becomes even clearer. An introverted writer who dislikes social gatherings met an overly warm, relentlessly social housewife. One went back to school, drove a used car, lived with her cats in a one-bedroom condo, scraped by paycheck to paycheck, and carried five-figure student loans. The other curated an Instagram-ready life: helicopter rides, infinity-pool vacations, and trips around the world. One grew up in a dysfunctional, broken family that cost her much of her early adulthood and mental health; meanwhile, the other was posting photos from a Mediterranean cruise with her parents and husband, parading her biracial children in designer clothes…
However, one possessed the autonomy, freedom, ambition, skills, and resources to pursue her own path, while the other married young and became a housewife.
These two people couldn’t be more different, yet the latter actively competes with the former. Her true self-image, though, the unsatisfying reality of her life, remained uncertain.
What Are They Competing for?
Any competition comes with some sort of reward, which motivates people to participate. In terms of psychological rewards, the first well-established and widely recognized theory is Social Comparison Theory (Leon Festinger, 1954). This theory explains how people often evaluate their own worth by comparing themselves with others.
That said, social comparison itself is a neutral behavior, a completely normal part of human nature, and a way to better self-knowledge. It is rarely about others and is often highly subjective. Often, it is based on our own standards, needs, and emotions. Therefore, the outcome of our comparisons is not proof of greater (or lesser) objective worth.
At some point, we all compete, and we do so for different reasons. There actually are benefits. Research shows that people with high self-esteem who compare themselves upward (to someone more capable) can actually feel motivated to excel. Conversely, comparing downward (to someone doing worse) can serve as a temporary mood booster.
However, more discussions seem to focus on how social comparison can impact mental health. While comparing upward would most certainly hurt self-esteem (especially on social media), there is something that deserves more attention. People with low, unstable self-esteem are more likely to engage in social comparison in the first place. And because their self-worth depends heavily on external validation, they almost automatically measure themselves against those they see as threats or competitors (even if those perceptions aren’t accurate). Over time, this dynamic becomes self-reinforcing. The more someone compares themselves to others, the less stable their self-concept becomes, which in turn drives even more comparison. This closed feedback loop is the deeper culprit, keeping people stuck in a cycle of constantly evaluating their worth against others.
Competitiveness, thus, becomes their second nature, an unhealthy coping mechanism, and what ultimately harms their overall mental well-being.
Even worse, as this loop continues, they may gradually develop contingent self-esteem. Having this type of self-esteem means a person feels only as valid as their most recent moment of recognition from others. This creates yet another loop: the more they rely on constant external validation, the more fragile and volatile their self-esteem becomes. That is why, for some people, even genuine achievements or happiness can no longer stabilize their inner sense of worth. They feel good only when they see themselves as relatively worthier than whoever triggers them, in whatever they are competing. Hence, there are evidently irrational comparisons.
But what she was defending was more than just her self-esteem or her image.
What Could Be Her Actual Trigger?
In real life, another trigger for social comparison is a perceived threat to our identity.
According to social comparison theory, when we seek accurate self-knowledge, we tend to compare ourselves with similar others. But when we focus on self-enhancement, we instead compare ourselves with people who are not-so-similar yet pose an inadvertent threat to the story we tell about our own lives. (Related: Do our inner stories really shape the sense of self?)
This triggers her deeply because her life choices, or more accurately, the external approval of those choices, define her self-worth, which is grounded in feeling “settled” and having stability.
Identity foreclosure describes someone who commits to a life path without fully exploring alternatives or integrating that choice into a coherent sense of self. In this story, the girl married early, before she understood the world or had access to other options. That kind of premature commitment is usually driven by external pressures rather than authentic desire.
In her view, marrying young, settling down quickly, and foregoing professional leverage were the right choices. Their “rightness” formed the core of her identity and self-worth. When she encountered someone who chose the opposite of what she valued, the psychological finality of her own life path was shaken by this other person, who was actively rewriting her story and living an open-ended life as the sole protagonist. That cognitive dissonance, consciously or unconsciously, pushed her into comparison. In a sense, she had to assert authority, to correct, or subtly try to re-establish a hierarchy.
In hindsight, she wasn’t competing with me (a foodie stranger at the party), but with the version of herself who no longer had the right to choose. She wasn’t just another mean girl; she was grieving.
The Non-conclusion
Of course, social comparison is a complex behavior, and this whole story is not a judgment. But being empathetic and analytical doesn’t erase the disappointment or irritation. Despite all the psychological costs, all I wanted was to have a good dinner, to connect, or at the very least, to have a bit of fun.
Even now, after watching this pattern repeat over the years and across contexts, I am still speechless. There are still question marks hovering over my head, blank stares into the middle distance, and a helpless sort of amusement.
Ideally, we make our own life choices. If you chose a life path that appears fulfilling to many people by many measures, why would you perceive someone with completely different pursuits and values as a threat? Why does a casual conversation require defensiveness, performance, and evidence submitted for approval instead of simply enjoying the moment?
Those are the questions we all need to reflect on from time to time. And perhaps something too uncomfortable to explore on the therapy couch.
I’ve learned to accept it: nod, observe, and offer the validations that seem necessary. It’s easier to keep a psychological distance than to convince someone that the competition exists only in their perception.
And, don’t try to fix anyone. Sometimes the best we can offer is let them learn their own lessons, do their own inner work, and live their own lives.
*The Observer Series: Rather than being an actor in life, I’ve always preferred to be an observer. That’s what this series is about. These are real-life footage and its many actors, recorded and edited into stories with visual effects, soundtracks, and commentary tracks.
*Note: characters and stories are composite.
